Two And A Half Men: 10 Funniest Berta Quotes


Berta was always one of the best parts of Two and a Half Men, and lines like these prove exactly why that is.

The hilarious and beloved actress Conchata Ferrell, who portrayed Berta on Two and a Half Men, passed away on October 12th, becoming the first member of the main cast to do so.

RELATED: Two and A Half Men: 5 Times Berta Was An Overrated Character (& 5 Times She Was Underrated)

While Ferrell was known for a long list of acclaimed work (including an Emmy nomination for Best Supporting Actress in a Drama) it was her role as the tough and sassy housekeeper that was her most coveted on-screen appearance, earning her two Emmy nominations for Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy.

10 The quiet ones are always the freaks (S2, E9)


Berta was never one to shy away from making jokes at anybody’s expense but for some reason, her jabs always seemed to be sexual when it came to Alan. During this season 2 episode, the opening scene has Charlie ditching a highly annoying woman in his shower, only to have Alan reach into the shower to turn the water off (because he doesn’t know the woman is there). Of course, Alan ends up getting attacked by the traumatized woman and the two wind up on the floor trapped in the shower curtain. When Jake recounts the tale to Berta later in the day, she utters the hilarious quip.

9 Unfortunately, the rest of you is a drunken scumbag (S8,E3)

While Charlie very rarely made any actual efforts to push Alan out of his house (because then the show would end) it was a running gag that he continually hoped his little brother would some day move out. When he got his wish and Alan decided to try moving in with his girlfriend, Lyndsey, he and Berta celebrate the moment by drinking and smoking on his deck overlooking the beach. Charlie paints a vivid picture of what his life will be like with no brother and nephew, also stating that he has the heart of a poet. Berta then feels the need to point out that the rest of him isn’t exactly top-notch.

8 The only difference between those two broads is that you came out of one and… (S4, E6)

It was quite a story-arc when the writers decided to put Charlie in a relationship with a woman who was exactly like his mother in season 4. The moment that Charlie’s new girlfriend and mother meet, Berta just happens to be there to watch the identical ladies’ first interaction. When the ladies leave and the rest of the household can’t believe that Charlie doesn’t see how similar the two women are, Berta decides to say a quote so hilarious that they couldn’t let her finish it on cable television.

7 Unless she sweats bourbon and farts hundred dollar bills, what exactly is going to keep you together? (S4, E20)

While Berta’s jokes about Alan (or as she liked to call him, Zippy) were more sexual in nature, her material toward Charlie was usually about his sleaziness. But every so often when Charlie would find himself in a relationship that he claimed was ‘serious’, Berta was always the first one to point out that said relationship was doomed for failure.

RELATED: Two and a Half Men: 10 Things About Berta That Would Never Fly Today

One such episode was when Charlie began a quick fling with Herb’s sister, Myra, and Charlie pointed out that the relationship wasn’t based on sex – prompting Berta to say the quote that reminded Charlie who he was.

6 I’m telling you, I’m dreading that tiara (S2, E10)

During the earlier seasons, Alan was seen as quite a fuddy-duddy and often tried to engage with Berta despite her complete and utter contempt for him (and she didn’t hide it). In this season 2 episode, Alan gets to know Rose a little better and realizes she’s a very complex individual, prompting him to ask Berta about her own past. She condescendingly asks Alan if he wants to know whether or not there’s a little girl inside of her who always wanted to be a ballerina – when he says yes, Berta’s response is, “if there is, it’s only because I ate her” followed by the line above. Alan never tried to get to know Berta again after this scene.

5 Golly Moses, she’s a muffin (S3, E19)

Despite making sexual jokes at Alan’s expense, Berta herself was always very sexual and it didn’t matter who, what, when, or where. When the show introduced the character of Kandi, Charlie’s girlfriend turned Alan’s wife, in season 3, Berta herself had a hard time keeping her eyes off the attractive 22-year-old. In this particular episode when Berta sees Kandi in a bathing suit she mentions that she hasn’t “tried anything from the other side of the buffet since she traveled with the Grateful Dead”, but then says the line that turned out to be the episode’s title.

4 Private? You get any more traffic down there and you’re gonna need to open a Starbucks (S5, E1)

As Charlie’s housekeeper Berta was understandably in charge of certain chores around the beach-house, one being laundry. When Charlie comes to Berta in the season 5 premiere and asks if she started using a different detergent she says no but asks why.

RELATED: Two & A Half Men: 10 Things That Make No Sense About Berta

Charlie then tells her that he has a rash around his ‘private’ parts and Berta feels the need to point out that ‘private’ is the last word that describes his sexual organ.

3 Do Catholic priests make good babysitters? (s3, E4)

One of the most hilarious aspects of Berta’s character was her ability to play the two brothers against each other. During this season 3 episode, Berta moves into the beach house for a couple of days and immediately starts turning the two brothers on one another, ultimately trying to get Alan to a point that he moves out so Berta can take his room and be a live-in housekeeper. When Alan comes to her to vent, he labels himself as a victim and rhetorically asks “but does my brother sympathize?” to which Berta responds with her own rhetorical question.

2 Did you see that b****? ! You gotta put a whole lot of gone between you and a broad like that! (S3, E6)

Another highly appealing aspect of Berta’s character was her brass attitude – nobody stood up or talked down to Berta. That is, until Charlie brings home a satanic-worshiping she-demon in the form of Isabela. When Berta meets Charlie’s new muse, the encounter doesn’t last long as Isabela informs her that she and Charlie will be spending all day in bed and don’t want to be disturbed. Once Isabela goes upstairs, Berta immediately grabs her coat and purse and heads for the door. Alan asks what she’s doing, to which Berta responds in a completely appropriate fashion.

1 … I don’t want to live in that America! (S3, E8)

When Charlie becomes obsessed with finding a woman that he met at a coffee shop and Alan asks why Berta enables his behavior, she responds with one of the funniest speeches in comedic history: “Why? I’ll tell you why. Because your brother is the embodiment of the can-do, roll-up-your-sleeves spirit that made this country great. He never gets discouraged, he goes after what he wants, and he doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘quit’. And if the day should come when any man, no matter how humble, can’t go out there and soil the loins of some hot little dancer, well… I don’t want to live in that America!” Pure gold. R.I.P. Conchatta Ferrell, you’ll be sincerely missed.

NEXT: Two & A Half Men: 10 Best Recurring Characters

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Updated: October 30, 2020 — 3:00 am

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